10 Things You Should Never Say To Your Girlfriend
Gentlemen, sometimes, despite even your best intentions, you say things to your girlfriend that you shouldn’t. And before you know it, you’re in a war zone. There are some simple rules, which, if followed, can go a long way towards keeping the peace. Here are 10 things to never to say to your girlfriend.
1. Why Don’t You Go To The Gym?
Come out with it. What you really mean is ‘You really need to go to the gym’. Whether she’s paper thin or has thighs like the hulk, you may be triggering off a time-bomb that has been long awaiting to explode. Let’s face it, we would all like to improve some part of our body and whatever hang up we might harbour inside, the last thing you want is someone that sees you naked make feel even more insecure about yourself. Ok, so your lady might have a little too much ‘junk in the trunk’ so when she complains about being over-weight, zip it. After all, there are pleasurable ways of helping her lose weight (nudge, nudge, wink wink!).
2. Does size really matter?
Hell, yes. For some women. But what every woman in the land will agree upon, is what you do with it. Whether you have a wee appendage the size of an Argos pencil or a sclong to bring water to a lady’s eyes, find out what turns your girlfriend on and get to it! The girl just wants satisfaction!
3. Is that what you’re wearing?
Planning on staying in for the night with a delightful backdrop of tears and doors slamming? Then utter these fatal words and prepare for a diva-sized tantrum! Women agonise for hours on what they are going to wear and do not need a Gok Wan wannabe offering his twopence. Did she say anything when you wore your Hawaiian shirt to the posh restaurant? Or your Miami-vice style suit to her best friend’s wedding? No? Women tend to be a bit more clever than that (which might explain why you can no longer find the blessed shirt or suit!).
4. My Ex would…
“On really…? She has sex with you three times a days, cooked dinner for you and your mates every time they came around if there was some time left she would wash your clothes and clean your house? How sweet. Maybe it’s time you re-kindled your relationship.” In other words, why are you thinking about the ex anyway and if she is that much better than your current girlfriend, the only translation here is that you’ve down-graded.
5. How many guys have you slept with?
Do you really wanted to know that she bedded the whole of the football team all within the last term of college? And then some. No? Neither does she want you to know. If she tells you that she has only slept with you and two other long-term boyfriends, she lied. Or maybe she told you that her heart (and body) was dedicated to God until she met you. Yup, she lied! She knows, as all women know, that deep down inside, men do not want to imagine one man, let alone of string of them, having sex with his woman.
6. How about a threesome?
We know you think about it. Fair enough. We now know you have a particular woman in mind. “Mmm, who that be could be?” she may muse. Now unless your girlfriend is a nymphomaniac or porn star (it could happen) bringing this up as a serious intent is very dangerous territory indeed. Watch your former mild-mannered girlfriend turn into a frenzied bunny-boiler on the spot. There’s plenty of free porn on the internet. Just don’t let her catch you!
7. Why are you so emotional?
Well, woman are emotional. Women are wired differently to men who are tuned from an early age to keep their emotions under the surface. Women are better at expressing themselves and deal with stress differently. It all boils down to science. So what is she turns to blubber when she see the ad come up about destitute orphan African kids, Oprah’s latest cause or some sappy rom-com movie. With emotion comes passion and sensitivity. Think about it and appreciate.
8. Are You PMS-ing?
It’s tempting to attribute an argument or your girlfriend’s supposed grouchy behaviour down to PMS, isn’t it? If you want it in ten-fold, whether it’s her time of month or not, guaranteed she’s going to explode all over your ass right now! Here’s a fact, not every time you have a fight it boils down to the fact that her hormones are in high gear. If you think it, don’t say it. Never ever say it. Especially if it is!
9. Have you ever thought about getting a boob job?
Translation: “I’m not happy with the way you look”. A woman needs to know that you like her exactly the way she is. Unless you are willing to make sacrifices of your own, by way of negotiation, such as a chest wax each week or endure surgery (see point 2), then go right ahead.
10. You’re just like your mother.
On the one hand, it’s is never, ever a good idea to criticize your girlfriend’s mommy – or any family member for that matter. On the other hand, even if you meant it as a compliment, you have just compared her to a middle-aged, menopausal woman. Think about it. Ew!
Photo: Ryan McQuire